Tonight my heart is weary.

The last 2 weeks have been very full, with so many wonderful people, experiences and opportunities. I’m grateful for every single bit of it!

But suddenly, tonight, I realize that in the busi-ness of it all, I’ve veered off course.

I’ve been sped up and over-focused on the outer stuff. And that heightened pace has made it hard for me to slow down and get into my inner practices.

All day I couldn’t figure out why I was so snappy and irritable – on the edge of both anger AND tears.

Finally, tonight, it broke open.

The always-already-there glow of loving-kindness at the centre of everything, feels far away.

It’s really not.

I know that.

But my distance from my own centre is making it feel that way.

This feeling reminds me of the first poem I ever read by the 14th century Persian poet Hafiz, translated by Daniel Ladinsky.

With deep compassion, he sums up the depth of this feeling of both distance and longing in the simplest way and it always brings me to tears.

Here it is:
(read it slowly and B-R-E-A-T-H-E)

A Cushion For Your Head

Just sit there right now
Don’t do a thing
Just rest.

For your separation from God,
From Love,

Is the hardest work
In this
World.

Let me bring you trays of food
And something
That you like to
Drink.

You can use my soft words
As a cushion
For your
Head.

Hafiz reminds me how hard it is on our hearts and souls to feel this separateness that seems so natural in our modern world.

And his heartfelt desire to comfort us reminds me of how much we each need our own compassion, patience and understanding when it starts to weigh on us.

Tomorrow, I’m going up to my family’s cottage in New Brunswick for at least a week.

I had convinced myself to keep the holiday short and that I could justify it by taking things with me to sneak away and work on.

But tonight, my heart is saying No.

It says this is the time to drink from a deeper well.

And instead of work of do, I think I’ll take Hafiz instead.

What’s your antidote when your heart is weary?

I’d love to hear it in the comments.
(I might not be here to reply until August 15th or so, but I can’t wait to hear your ideas when I get back!)

Today was a heavy day. And yet it was a really good day and I’m really relieved at the end of it.

You Are Here!

Today I finally made space to just be present with some things that I’ve been trying like crazy NOT to feel. And they were uncomfortable…but, as it turns out, they weren’t nearly as uncomfortable as the frantic state I was in while I was trying to avoid them!

And the thing that made the biggest difference…  today in being able to just sit and breathe and be present and feel them is this:

I finally acknowledged that where I am now is exactly right and this is just where I’m supposed to be.

You see, for weeks now, I’ve been reflecting on and processing some very difficult events that happened in November. And I’ve been saying that I should be “over them” by now – that this moping about is just silly – that it wasn’t even that bad…and on and on.

Yet when I looked at how my life is feeling to me right now, I had to admit to myself that I’m really not coping very well these days.

You can ask my husband! I’ve had a “hair trigger” lately and I seem to be just inches away from anger at any given moment. I get overwhelmed easily and I’m way more exhausted than usual and I seem to need or just want a LOT of sleep.

And when I finally gave myself full permission to be right here, not over it yet at all, it became so very clear that there’s a part of me still feeling really traumatized by these events and needing time and space for healing to occur.

I suddenly had way more compassion for the me that’s been bitchy and angry and exhausted because of a healing process that I was making silly and wrong.

And this opportunity to honour and address what’s real in my heart always feels sacred to me and I find I’m able to rest in it.

Even though feeling this stuff was just a little bit “icky” at first, I’m so relieved to finally be getting what I need, and not pushing myself to be somewhere I’m just not yet.

So today I’d like to offer you the gift of knowing the incredibly perfect and sacred “rightness” of exactly where you are right now.

What’s going on under the surface that you’ve been telling yourself “shouldn’t” be there? Take a moment and breathe with it and give yourself full permission to be right where you are now, whatever that means to you.

And, just for a little while at least, stop pushing yourself to be “farther ahead” or somewhere different and see how delicious this feels.

And then do it some more! = >