So there you are, zipping along one day, moving purposefully in your world, sharing from your heart, having a lovely time connecting with people on your social platform of choice when BAM…it hits you!
Suddenly, something you’ve read or seen triggers you into a part of yourself that’s feeling hurt, betrayed, ignored, angry, spiteful, sad, overlooked, misunderstood, unappreciated or a host of other things (sometimes all at once!)
Suddenly, its hard to interact with any kind of intention or maturity. And if you’re triggered deeply enough…well, let’s just say your actions in those moments won’t be up for any Nobel Peace Prizes.
So what gives?
It feels a lot like Grade 7 doesn’t it?
But why?
I’ve heard social media compared to high school and middle school many times now, but today, in Part 3 of the Emotional Needs 101 Series, I’m going to explain exactly WHY social media tends to drag you into your Grade 7 personality and what to do when it happens.
Once you understand the underlying dynamics, you can actually USE social media as a tool for self-awareness and healing, allowing you to resolve your old patterns so you can do your best work in the world.
(If you haven’t yet, take a quick look at the first post in the series, so you’ll have an overview of what emotional needs are and where they come from.)
Its About More Than Popularity
Most of the comparisons I see between social media and high school assume that they’re similar because both places are about popularity.
On the surface, that seems true. But popularity, in both cases, is actually an indicator of something much more subtle.
Its all about “position in the pack”.
Your High School Brain is Your Mammal Brain
Each level of our human brain evolved over millions of years to look after specific functions. The middle part of the brain, shown in yellow, is the part that evolved in our ancient mammal ancestors.
Among other things, it looks after your social identity, your likes and dislikes, compassion, empathy, emotional connections and…you guessed it… your status and rank within a group.
In High School Your Pack is Everything!
When you leave your immediate family and head off to grade school, you join your first “pack”. You’ll learn a LOT about the rules of social interactions there, but your family is still at the centre of life.
However, in middle school and high school , you’re beginning to define your identity in the world outside of your family. So the choices and interactions that determine your place in THAT pack will begin to shape the story of who you are, how you’re seen and who you might become.
Your Emotional Needs Determine Your Position in the Pack
The one thing that’s already in place when you leave home and head out to school is your unique set of emotional needs. (Remember, these are like “food groups” for your ego: approval, belonging, safety, control, importance, recognition, power, etc.)
In your family, your mammal brain has already helped you to carve out a role that gets your needs met.
Maybe you’re the quiet one, or the peacemaker and that makes sure you always get the approval you need; maybe you’re the jokester or the one who’s always in trouble and that gets you all the attention you need.
But with every new pack you will EVER join – from workplaces to online forums – you’ll need to figure out your position all over again. And this includes social media.
On Social Media, Your Mammal Brain is Obsessively Trying to Determine & Control Your Status in the Group
Just like in school, your brain tends to read every action, word and behaviour from others, trying to figure out what it means about your position and how you’re being perceived.
When your emotional needs are pretty topped up, you might not spend much time even thinking about it.
But when you’re feeling a little vulnerable or unsure – your mammal brain and your slightly empty ego will get together and soon you’re obsessing over your Twitter Klout or how many Likes your last Facebook update got.
Then, Up Come the Old Stories…
This is where you get triggered into a sudden emotional reaction out of nowhere.
Many of the negative, wounding or painful experiences you had in school, were imprinted into your mammal brain. And the ones that were repeated created a story about you.
Now that you’re older, you might think that you’ve completely outgrown these old stories but…
…often they’re still quietly running in the background, creating self-fulfilling prophecies.
So when you get on social media, and you automatically access your mammal brain to process all the connections and relationships, your old stories are right there waiting for you!
It’s easiest to see them in the things you’re always wishing for or hoping to avoid.
You might be always hoping for a flattering comment from a peer and hoping to avoid the experiences of “she dissed me” or “no-one cares”.
For me, I’m always hyper-aware of any signal that might mean”I’m rejected” and I’m always hoping for experiences that mean “I’m included”.
What’s so interesting is that, when I think I’m reading signals that mean I’m not included, I tend to retreat – making it even more likely that I won’t connect and be included next time.
So we interpret our triggers according to our old story and that tends to make us do things that make it even more true – that’s how it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Often, we can’t even see that it’s our own reactions that are keeping us from the very things we long for.
Can Social Media Really Be a Healing Tool?
Absolutely!
These old stories are not the easiest things to track down in coaching or inner change work.
So anything that naturally brings them to the surface is a powerful gift.
You can treat each one as a welcome messenger – a trail of bread-crumbs leading back to the places in your heart that are still calling for the healing balm of your compassion.
When I work with people one-on-one, I use a more in-depth process to get to the very root of these old stories and transform them. But for now…
Here’s a short practice to get you started:
1) When you notice a trigger, a reaction or an emotion arising, step back from whatever media platform you’re using and just breathe for a minute.
2) Use the phrase “a part of me” to name the experience you’re having. For example “A part of me is feeling ignored” or “A part of me is angry”.
3) Allow your higher self or your “grown up” self to breathe with the part of you that’s in distress and offer compassion, rather than judging it.
4) You can follow the feeling or the sensation in your body and see if any memories surface, or you can also ask yourself “Does this experience remind me of an earlier experience?” and see what comes up.
5) If an earlier memory comes up, keep breathing with that memory and offer compassion to the younger you that experienced it and fully feel the original emotion of if you can stay with it. If distraction comes up, that’s OK – just breathe and come back to it.
6) Look at the event with your grown-up eyes and help your younger self to see it more clearly and correct the old story that was never really true about you in the first place.
If the emotion isn’t that strong, you might be able to just name it and go straight to step 6, reinterpreting and healing the old story.
This Turns Social Media Into a Powerful Tool for Personal Evolution
By working with your triggers in this way, you’ll gradually release more and more of your old stories and outdated identities.
And you may suddenly find yourself showing up and connecting with others in a whole new way!
What’s been your experience with social media triggers and that “grade 7″ feeling? And do you think social media can be a vehicle for healing? Share your thoughts in the comments below.
