Are you making it safe enough to succeed?

When you decide it’s time to really step out and do something great, it usually brings some fear up, right?

And you probably think that fear is about what’s outside you – what will other people think?, will they like it?, will they judge me?, will I be approved of?, will it be any good?

But most of what we’re really afraid of comes from the inside first.

We start judging and doubting and tearing our own work down WAY before anyone else has a chance to.

We run all our ideas past a gauntlet of tests, critiques and invalidations before they ever get to see the light of day.

Did you know that the only outer criticisms you’re ever afraid of are the ones you worry are true?

Think about this for a moment. When someone tells you something negative or even constructively negative, and you’ve never heard it before – you’re surprised right? And maybe even grateful to hear it, saying “Wow, I never even knew that!”

But when someone tells you something you’ve heard in your own head over and over again, you react. It’s already got a huge charge on it and it’s not like you NEEDED to hear it again. You’re  defending yourself against it on the inside every day.

So how safe are you making it for yourself to risk and create and express?

Everyone says in order to succeed and gain attention in this crowded world you’ve got to “be revolutionary” and “do epic shit”. And I agree.

But how safe is that when you’re waiting for the hammer of inner judgment to fall?

Now at this point, a lot of people will defend “judgment” saying it’s not really negative in and of itself, we all need to “discern” good from bad and right from wrong.

OK. I’m not talking about discernment here. Yes, that’s a good thing.

I’m talking about anything you say or think to yourself, about yourself, that’s the slightest bit unkind.

And for me, unkindness is as much about the “tone” you use with yourself as it is about the words.

It’s about how you treat yourself every day.

If you had a friend that spoke to you in the way that you speak to yourself, would you stay friends with them?

That’s a really good test for the quality of your inner dialogue.

Every single interaction you have with yourself makes your inner relationship better or worse. Every time you speak to yourself, you set up an inner expectation of what the next interaction will be like.

You have the power to leave yourself with a safer, more encouraging place to play, anticipating kindness and support.

Or you can leave yourself in a slight atmosphere of dread, waiting for the next unkindness or harsh word.

And, just like a 35 year marriage, these constant interactions and their quality add up over time to create a space for you to bloom in or not.

So if you want to step out and do something big, something you’ve never done before, your inner world will need to be safer than it’s ever been before!

Risk requires support. A place to fall back when we fail – where someone will say “There, there,” and help us console our hearts and lick our wounds.

And the very first place we can create huge support is inside ourselves.

When I was getting ready to step out in 1997 as a coach for the first time, I found myself completely unable to do it. And then my own coach at the time pointed out that I had no community or outer support system and that I would really need that first in order to get out there.

But what neither of us realized then was that support was entirely missing in my inner world too.

When inner support is missing, we go looking for support in our outer world. But in a cruel irony, we’ll often assume that we’re going to receive the same kind of support from others as we’re receiving from ourselves.

And if by chance someone lovely and truly encouraging happens to stumble into our circle, we’ll go ahead and project our inner judgment on them, telling ourselves a story about what they must be thinking about us.

It’s really crazy making isn’t it?

No wonder we have such a hard time creating and expressing and stepping out as our true authentic selves!

So if you’re getting ready to take a risk and be bold and revolutionary…

…take some time to lay a foundation of inner support and encouragement.
You’ll need it.

What’s your experience with risk and inner support? How do you make it safe for yourself to step out? I’d love to hear in the comments below.