I wanted to wake up differently today. I wanted to be energized, refreshed, ready to get on to things.
But that’s not what’s here.
Today is dark inside. Something snide and mean is speaking, dripping little bits of acid on everything.
I’ve been waiting for something to surface.
For days my inner world has been foggy and aimless – with shades of un-named longing at the edges. I could feel an iceberg under the water, it’s tip not breaking the surface yet.
I’m almost relieved it’s finally here, ready to make itself known.
A part of me would like to push it back under, though. But I know that won’t be helpful. I know that all the energy I’ve been missing these last few days has been caught up in managing this lump of inner stuff as it’s been rising into my awareness.
And I’ve done this many, many times before. So I know a few things that make it possible to actually welcome this feeling, like:
- I will not be annihilated by this
- I will be more alive once I’ve been fully present with it
- It has something immensely wise to tell me
So I dive inside.
Breathe. Feel it.
Deeper.
I’m watching the part of me that gets off on the drama of this. I keep it in check.
I know if I really nursed this heavy, dark feeling I could be in a full blown depression within days. Part of me is SO compelled to follow it – I don’t know why.
Oh, wait….
I remember the wisest thing I was ever taught: the part of me that’s feeling the feeling is CAUSING the feeling.
Riiiiiiiiight.
There it is…..an agenda….right behind the blackness.
I know what this is, now….this is my edge.
The place my ego doesn’t want me to go beyond.
And if it can just get me back into that old familiar sinkhole where I know that nothing is possible and it’s all crap anyway, then I won’t move forward and it won’t be scary.
But there’s a seed of something else here, too. The bitter hopelessness is just a cover.
Underneath is a pure, clear anger.
Aaaaahhhhh. Now feel that!… That’s my antidote to this sad, sinking pessimism.
That’s where all the aliveness has been hiding! It’s explosive. It can move me.
Breathe into it.
This morning’s deep disappointment must have brought this to the surface. A part of me was ready to settle and just go complacently along.
But this other part says – roars – NO!
This part is ready to show me how to be LESS tolerant when it’s right.
This part of me is all for going WAY beyond that edge. Because the stuff I really want is over there. And it’s not time to settle.
I’m always SO relieved once I know what’s really going on in there.
It’s like a bogey man in the closet until I can actually name it.
It’ll take a day or so for me to own and engage this new energy. I’ve learned not to push that part of the resolution. Maybe my body needs to move. This writing has helped…a lot!
I’ll take an action to honour it – to let it know that it’s wise message was felt and heard. And I’ll thank it.
And I’ll breathe with whatever shows up next….I hope. = >
{ 14 comments }
Wow. Brilliant writing, and I can tell it came straight from the soul.
And I understand every word of it.
Thanks Lisa. I knew you would get it! = >
Wow. Powerful and insightful, Susan. You’ve given me a better understanding of what I would see when I looked into my ex’s eyes as he stared for hours at nothing and fought against a debilitating depression. I felt such anger because I could do nothing to help him and struggled not to follow him down that dark abyss. Thanks for sharing.
Depression is a hard thing to be in or even to be around! I’m sure that was so maddening and frustrating, CaZ.
Looking back at my time in depression, I would say that the critical piece of information that’s missing for the depressed person is knowing that “I will not be annihilated by this.” It feels like we WILL be annihilated if we fully feel what’s there and so the deadness becomes the only viable alternative.
Glad you didn’t succumb yourself!
Wow. This is so on target for me in this moment. It has helped me immensely. I wanted you to know because I’m sure it took a lot of courage to write much less publish. Thank you so much Susan, for giving voice to and helping me clarify my own edge.
You’ve also helped me rededicate myself to blogging. If anything I write can be as helpful to someone as what you wrote was for me, then I will be very grateful.
Thank you, Linda for letting me know that it helped. It will egg me on in my future posts!
To be honest, I couldn’t NOT write this. I sat down and wrote it almost as therapy – I wrote most of it in my head during an angry drive to the store and it was “cooked” by the time I got home.
I hit publish as a conscious way to not care what anybody thought and to claim back an edgy energy that’s been wanting to get out. And ironically, so many are responding to this, here and by email.
Thank you again for responding!
Ooh, this is SO good, thank you! My depression always springs from fear or anger — well, actually, I have a fear OF anger, so it’s all about the fear! And yet it always goes away when I face the fear. Like Winston Churchill said, the only thing we have to fear is fear itself.
I’m beginning to suspect, LaVonne, that this stuff is the hardest for those of us who FEEL things deeply and fully. I’ve realized that most of what freaks me out is the anticipation of a dreaded feeling, like anger as you say.
One thing that helps me is to get really detailed and specific in describing exactly HOW I feel it. Where is it in my body? Could I give it a colour? Does it have a texture or a sound? What makes it hard to be with?
The better I get at observing and describing it over time, the less power it seems to have to make me freak out.
WOW. What powerful words you have! I struggle with depression myself and you’ve described it so aptly. I’m not sure how or why yet – I can’t put words on it – but your post makes things seem a little bit brighter.
I think it’s always a little brighter when we can share our experience with others who really get it. Thank you for sharing yours with me! = >
Great message Susan,
look into what is present, feel your way through it,
know you won’t be annihilated by it and what you find on the other
side is energy that supports the letting go that happens.
This is how we can embrace change, by knowing all parts of ourselves and coming to peace with what is right now.
Thanks for writing this, for sharing this beautiful wisdom
The peace is always there isn’t it? It may not feel peace-FULL, but there’s always peace in it somewhere. I’m so grateful you stopped by!
great post, great insights, esp love “I’m watching the part of me that gets off on the drama of this. I keep it in check.
and
I remember the wisest thing I was ever taught: the part of me that’s feeling the feeling is CAUSING the feeling.
and
And if it can just get me back into that old familiar sinkhole where I know that nothing is possible and it’s all crap anyway, then I won’t move forward and it won’t be scary.
Very insightful and great food for my heart. Thank you!
I’m so glad you felt nourished here! I often feel that way after reading your posts, so it’s lovely to return the favour. = >