Why Traditional Coaching is No Match for Resistance

Coaches generally tend look forward not back. It’s therapists who dig into the past. And the coaching profession is pretty careful to distinguish themselves from therapists.

My work has evolved exactly at the intersection of coaching and therapy because I’ve discovered that both ingredients are essential when dealing with resistance.

I know plenty of coaches who want to tear their hair out over clients who simply WILL NOT take an assigned or even a self-chosen action, as a part of their weekly homework agreement.

And this illustrates the very essence of the difficulty with resistance.

Many coaches find themselves hugely frustrated and doubting their own abilities when resistance rears up in a client, because nothing they do seems to be able to move the coachee into action.

• Motivation and inspiration don’t work.
• Chiding and disapproval from the coach only make it worse.
• Pointing out the consequences of non-action doesn’t work.
• Cognitive approaches to change thinking aren’t effective
• And behavioral approaches to just change the actions don’t work well either.

In short, the client can’t respond to any of these approaches because, when resistance takes over, they’re no longer in full conscious control of their actions.

When it comes to resistance, we’re dealing with an internal part of us, our amygdala or safety brain, that has the ability to completely switch off our awareness and our thinking brain in order to protect us. This is how we end up standing in front of the fridge with the door open and not quite sure how we got there!

Changing habits or focusing only on current actions doesn’t work here, because before we can even think about it, our thinking gets switched off and we end up suddenly in front of the TV or cleaning the house or something equally distracting.

And we only remember what we had intended to do at times when there’s no way we can actually do it, like just before going to sleep.

I keep recalling what a client said after a session several months ago. She said every time she tried to think about what she wanted to do her brain “just skittered away somewhere.” That’s the safety brain shutting the door to the neocortex and our thinking ability.

Coaching works when it’s just a matter of choosing an action and doing it. No problem.

But, at the moment when resistance surfaces, coaching fails and that’s when therapy works.

Because the whole reason the brain is being shut off is due to a forgotten danger and usually a buried wound or childhood pain. And the protective self is actually working to keep us from the dual hurts of both remembering it and possibly repeating it with our current actions.

And the safety brain is VERY invested in keeping the reasons for its distracting, obscuring behaviour buried.

So when you initially ask yourself what the obstacle is, you’ll almost never get a truthful answer. You’ll get  layers of smokescreen from the mind. (The body and the emotions will be more honest.)

Resistance is so powerful because a part of us is afraid to even remember what’s actually in the way.

This leaves us playing a convoluted game of “guess where the block is” and our safety brain is like the carnie who makes sure the truth is never in the cup we look under.

But when someone makes a strong compassionate container for us (like a coach or therapist), it becomes safe to remember and these buried triggers can actually be healed surprisingly quickly, perhaps in just hours or days, without years of therapy.

And I think that’s what scares people the most, is the idea that any deep remembrance of childhood pain will send us reeling into years of therapeutic interventions. And that’s just not what happens.

Most of the buried events that our safety brain is holding onto can be felt and released very gently and quickly.

They simply need to be processed through our conscious mind.

As soon as we’ve done that, they stop being an invisible boogey-man. I’ve started to think that, once the buried trigger is made conscious, the safety brain can finally relax about trying to warn us about it. Just the way everyone in the room relaxes when a secret finally comes out. I think it’s like that.

And looking back doesn’t have to mean getting sucked into the quicksand of all our old wounds and issues.

Something I’ve observed over 12 years of working with clients is that this look at the past is most effective WITHIN the context of who we’re becoming and who we’ve come here to be.

This is soul stuff and not everyone wants to go there. But without this context, we can quickly end up bogged down in old hurts and regrets and “if-only’s”.

The soul perspective acknowledges that every piece of the journey has a purpose and is taking us toward our destination. And connecting with and supporting this evolutionary process keeps us from getting obsessed with our past or stuck in a victim role.

So even though transforming resistance requires a look into our past, it’s not nearly as scary as you might think.

And there’s a deep, deep wisdom underneath each obstacle that will leave you smiling in appreciation of your loving safety brain.

And you can use all that energy that’s been tied up in the struggle as fuel for your journey forward.

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Where has resistance shown up for you?

I’d love to hear how you’ve experienced resistance in yourself or in those around you. (You can change names to be kind to those you love.) Where are the stubborn places that you’ve been the MOST blocked? Let us know in the comments below.

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You might also like these:

1. Why Your Resistance is Perfect
2. Beyond Jekyll & Hyde – Outgrowing our fear of ourselves
3. How to Become Immune to Your Resistance