Welcome to the Ashes

There are certain kinds of change that we all acknowledge need time and space to deal with. Those big trauma kinds of events like the death of a loved one, a house burning down, a major accident or injury.

When those happen, everyone agrees that it’s OK for you to have space and permission to just sit on the couch for a while and be non-functional.

But what about the things that rock your world to it’s very foundations but don’t look like much to anyone else at all?

These are the kinds of things that shatter our identity and leave us reeling, like finding out you’re adopted or questioning your spiritual path or your sexual orientation.

How do we make the space to fully understand and process these things when they’re not common reasons for taking time out?

I experienced one of those at the end of March. Just one day after I wrote my last post on this blog. And I was beginning to wonder how long it was really going to be before I posted again.

Writing about it feels like trying to catch up a friend you haven’t seen for a while about everything that’s changed and how you’re a totally different person now. We can’t ever really share it fully.

I let go of a role I’d been in for over 10 years and that I was very strongly identified with. And suddenly my reality, my identity, my beliefs… everything was called into question. The old me was gone in a flash, but who was left?

Fortunately, I’ve been in this place before, many years ago, and I learned a term for it then .

I call it Being in the Ashes

And you might think that it’s a time away from your life and your path, but it’s actually one of the most important stages on the way to being alive and fully engaged in your life.

Many ancient traditions and all major religions have stories about ashes as a metaphor for grief and going inward.

In some aboriginal cultures it was well understood that a member of the community, without needing to explain why, would sometimes just step out of the normal pattern of their life and go and sit among the ashes that ran down the centre of the longhouse.

And without any fuss, the other community members would simply take up looking after their children and their farming and other duties until they were done in the ashes.

And one day, when they were ready, they would just get up and go wash off the ashes and step fully back into their life again.

And everyone would recognize that their time in the ashes was complete and the unseen work of healing was done.

And I think WOW, what an enlightened and supportive society that must have been!

Wouldn’t it be great if you could just let them know at work that it was your ashes time and everyone would collectively make sure your job got done? Or have the neighbors just automatically look after your kids while you were less than fully functional?

But unfortunately our society doesn’t quite work that way, at least not in most larger cities and towns.

But these times are so important and they deserve to be honoured and appreciated for the transformational experiences they really are!

I think there’s going to have to be a Part II to this piece because there’s so much I’m noticing right now that helps and hinders this process that I still want to share with you.

But for now, the most important thing to remember is that these stages do pass. You don’t have to be afraid to go into it because you’re worried you’ll never come out.

And not only do you come out the other side, but you come out brand new – a little brighter, a little shinier because of what’s NOT pulling you down anymore.

Because the truth of it is, if Cinderella had gone to the ball and had never done her ashes work, she probably would have just stood against the wall all grieving and wounded and wondering why the damn prince was dancing with everyone but her! Not so attractive, I think.

But when the inner hurts have healed, the grief turns into joy, passion and aliveness and isn’t that always when our dreams come calling?

I can’t wait to see what’s around the corner from these ashes!

How about you? Have you been in the ashes? What helped? What didn’t? I’d love to hear about your experiences with this! Please share them in the comments below.

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